Apparently I was overdue for a meltdown. It’s been about a month, so I suppose it’s time for all the little annoyances and difficulties and frustrations to start spilling over the bucket of what I can handle. I know I’ll look back on today in a few days and everything will be ironic and funny and humorous, but today I was just too tired to process anything logically. The ironic part of the day is that I spent time doing my Beth Moore study this morning and one of the questions she asked was “When was the last time you put two and two together and got six?”, meaning when was the last time that emotion clouded your reason and even when you’re looking at all the details of a situation you still come to the wrong assumption. This morning I couldn’t think of an example. Maybe if I had spent a little more time pondering it this morning I wouldn’t have had to go through the ten minutes of panic that I endured this afternoon.
School got out early today for Lydia (is it any wonder SC is number 51 in US education?!) so my sister picked her up. I was planning on running some errands over lunch (like spending it in the line of the DMV for new license tags) and decided to let her know I was going to be late getting home. As soon as she answered the phone, she said in a very quiet, panicky voice, “I was bitten by a beetle and fainted. But don’t worry, the doctor is here with me now.” I immediately changed my plans and drove as fast as I could back home thinking the whole time the most irrational of things. This is how my mind works. It can jump from logic to panic in less than five seconds. In the three minutes it took me to drive home I had already processed in my mind how the whole situation happened:
Dawn picked Lydia up from school, they were playing outside (for who knows what reason; it was pouring rain!), and somehow Dawn stepped on a beetle. Not just any beetle, but a poisonous one. Horribly poisonous too. She fainted, and poor little Half Pint had to find her phone and call 911. She had to be stronger and braver than the average eight year old in order to save my sister. Dawn, of course, was laying out in the rain while the poison from this exotic beetle filtered through her body. I was just sure that she had beat cancer only to die to a tiny bug while watching my child. How could I forgive myself?! So then I started getting angry at how unjust and unfair life is and how ironic death is. I was fully prepared for the ambulance to be wheeling her out as I pulled into the driveway. But when I got home, all I saw was her car. No drama. Quiet.
That’s the moment my panic turned to anger and relief and tears. Lots of tears. How could I have been so stupid to let emotion overlook the obvious…I could hear Lydia laughing in the background, I could sense playfulness in my sister’s voice. Hindsight I would’ve known that Dawn is too smart to play outside in the rain. And who has ever heard of beetles in SC killing anyone? If I had thought for just two seconds, I would’ve remembered we have a game that has lots of tiny little beetles in it. Plastic beetles. And I would’ve remembered that Lydia’s new favorite game is “Surgery.” But no. I forgot everything.
When I walked through the door and saw the two of them laughing and playing (how dare they?!), while I was stressed and worried and scared, I immediately burst into tears. I am so tired. I am so behind in everything…bills, cleaning, doctors appointments and therapy sessions. And today was Home Study day too, so those are always off days anyway. Lydia acts out and I’m super sensitive. The combination of all of this…and one of my favorite earrings breaking this morning, and Bi-Lo not having Almond Milk, and my check engine light being on…was just a little too much.
So, there you go Beth. Eat your heart out. Two plus two has definitely equaled six today. Hope you’re happy.