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Archive for December, 2011

I don’t even have my first kid.  I haven’t even completed training or had my home study or my fire safety inspection.  I need to hang smoke detectors and fix my windows and lock up my meds.  I feel I am just at the very beginning of this journey and already am feeling pulled down.  As I move forward I’m realizing at a greater level what this will cost.  Loneliness is beginning to sink in and where once my path was filled with cheerleaders and supporters, I now feel is covered with one set of footprints…my own.  I know I’m just being melodramatic because I’m tired and it’s been a week of family time, which always drains me, and I haven’t had any good alone time with God and right now I don’t see how many of the pieces are going to come together.

But I suppose anytime you step out in faith you feel alone.  I bet when Peter stepped out of the boat and started walking toward Jesus he felt alone.  None of the other disciples were diving in after him.  None of the other men offered to step on the edge and take the plunge. On his own he flirted with that tiny line between courage and crazy.   He was alone.  He could feel the waves.  He could smell the salty air.  He could touch the blanket of darkness around him.  But Peter believed that Jesus could keep him from falling.  I need to keep my eyes firmly fixed on the Author and Perfector of my faith.  The period of time when I dreamed about having a kid in my home and baking cookies with her or taking him to soccer games, that period is over.  Reality is sinking in and I can either sink with it or I can keep my head high, my eyes straight, and walk out in faith toward Jesus.

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“Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.  “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated…For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer…All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace.” – Isaiah 54:1, 4-5, 13

Three weeks ago I began a journey that I have prayed and dreamed about for years.  In fact, looking back at notes in my Bible I have been claiming these verses since 2007.  God brought me here when I was thinking about adoption (Nov. 2007), when I attended a DSS foster meeting (Feb. 2010), when I was going through training to be a guardian ad litem (Sept. 2010), and now, here again as I begin this journey with Bair foster parenting, He brings me back to Isaiah.

My small group has been studying Beth Moore’s Breaking Free these past six weeks.  This week’s lessons are about child victimization and abuse and God’s presence through everything.  I need to hear this.  I need to be reminded that God cares, that children are the apple of His eye, and that God is never the author of abuse.  My second day of training with the Bair Foundation took my feet and placed them in the shoes of an abused child.  For a moment I felt what a child feels when they are taken advantaged of, abused, neglected.  For a moment I could barely breath.  I felt their anger and fear and guilt.  For a moment I felt their shame.  I questioned how a good God could allow this to happen.  The night we had our training I came home and went straight to bed.  My heart was so heavy it became physical.

I know that fostering is going to be hard.  It’s going to be painful.  There will be days when the hurt and heaviness will seem more than I can bear.  I will feel alone.  Frustrated.  Completely in over my head.  But I am choosing today as I begin this journey to remember what God has told me.  I cling to His Word and trust that He will remain faithful.  Somehow, through this new chapter of my life, God can use me to be a part of His peace over the lives of these kids.  This blog is a record of my journey.  I am choosing to not only foster kids, but today, I am committing to foster hope.

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